Hire the right people

Have you always dreamt of clutching that bald golden statuette whilst on stage at the Academy Awards in LA? Then you need our step-by-step guide, which has been carefully researched to guarantee* you'll end up gushing until you get played off by the orchestra. Read on for our advice..(*not actually guaranteed, sorry.)

Hire Meryl Streep or Morgan Freeman or Dustin Hoffman, since they’ve all appeared in three or more Best Picture winners. Oh, and every film that John Cazale starred in was nominated for the award. You could hire him, but you'll need a medium for the negotiations; he died in 1978.